There are two types of people in zombie fighting films. There’s the cool guy who has possibly a scar and a troubled past who picks up the nearest shotgun/chainsaw or knife and instantly is more deadly than a Navy Seal with a ponytail. That wouldn’t be me. I’d be the guy with the nervous look who’d probably be eaten in the first half hour of the film.
You'll be alright with him?
So how do you get good, and spin the guns with confidence, cracking zombie heads with the precision of a sharpshooter? A stint in the military is probably not an option and hanging round Brooklyn late at night not advisable, so there’s one thing to turn to you into a sharp shooter, the latest and best kill ‘em and splat ‘em games on the consoles.
And as Halloween approaches, and the inevitable zombie uprising appears, we’re doing a service to all those who want to be the cool guy and the sharp shooter, we’re going to let you know which console you should buy, and games you should endlessly practice on in preparation for October 31st. And if your girlfriend (or more likely, mother) complains, point her in the direction of this article.
Right. Let’s get this out of the way first. We’re only dealing with games available on exclusive platforms here. So no cross platform games allowed. Let’s start with the 360.
Ok, first problem here – you’re cybernetically altered. Or in other words, made better; you know like that kid at college: faster, stronger, smarter. But the weapons are comparable to what you’d find in the city, and includes explosives! So a good starting point, but don’t try to run as fast.
Hmmm, one problem here, it’s all swords, arrows and ye olde time rifles and guns. Have you ever gone toe to toe with a zombie? From what I understand, they have unquenching thirsts for brains and super strength (even though I’m sure brains doesn’t give the much sustenance). A weak game to lean how to defend yourself.
Gears of War 2
Better guns. This’ll help. And also, it emphasises covering from the enemy and destroying them. All good so far. However, some of the guns are a bit far fetched – can you really expect to be wielding a mortar launcher in New Hampshire? Although they do have a flame thrower, and if Small Solders taught us anything, it’s that anyone can make one of them. Definitely one you need to perfect.
How could we not include Halo? Everyone wants to play it and be the chef. Sorry I mean chief. But more importantly – would it train you for the all important zombie uprising? Well, no. Those dudes in Halo have all manner of funky weapons and armour. If you’re left on a street in your underwear with a prodding stick as defence, how would Halo help – be something nice to think about as you get brain fried?
Forza Motorsport 2
So how will this train you to blow a head clean off I hear you ask. Well it won’t, but we all know that there always needs to be a highly skilled get away driver waiting in the wings, so you need to know how to handle high-performance cars. And this is a perfect game for that. In fact, that’s the only plus of a zombie world, the chance to get your hands onto this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koenigsegg_CCGT#CCGT
Now, onto the PS3
When you’re fighting zombies there’s always some hotty hanging about. She’ll be angry and stand offish, but will (if you’re good with guns and junk) warm to you. So you need to be good at those sort of things and prepare yourself. Heavenly Sword, although is too heavy on the close-cutting weapons, but at least prepares you for your flirting with babes who like swords and funny outfits. But in the real world – would it help fight zombies? Probably not!
Man elephants, like stealth
This is more like it, Mr Sony – focusing on Guerrilla warfare. Apart from that crap bit in I am Legend, we know these zombies are dumb brain-eating drones, so any tactics that you can throw into the fighting mix would give you a great advantage. Teaching you this, and with cool outfits and decent guns, I think you should get into training with this one now.
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
More stealth! I think the PS3 is sneaking (very stealthily) into the lead! One problem though, the hero has a suit that is like a chameleons and mimics everything around it. You’ll be in your office rags, and if you’re lucky, a set of nike trainers. Don’t rely on hiding in the background as odour de brain is a powerful aphrodisiac for the zombies
Perfect! This is almost a handbook on destroying freakziods, or the ‘nutritionally challenged.’ The game follows one man set off to fight zombie things in a wasteland. You need to be an expert at this game.
More hotties, and more swords. It’s based on the hack and slash technique of gaming, so I’m told. Well that means you’ll again have to get up close and personal with the zombies. It also includes magic. Do you want to say abracadabra just before you’re eaten? I’d not bother with this one.
Using magic won't beat the zombies
Conclusion – or which one’s best
Well, stealth is the key to staying alive, so I’d say that you should get a PS3. More games that teach you not to just blow them all up, but to duck, crouch, hide – and flirt with hotties. So if you want to prepare the invasion on October 31st, get a PS3 – and on your downtime – watch blu-ray movies.